Sunday, March 18, 2007

Happy Birthday Lisa!

Lisa is now officially nine years old.  I wasn't there when she was born, but I can put together a picture in my mind, of a young mother frightened out of her mind, giving birth in secret, in a strange city miles from home, to guard that secret.  I wonder if she was beautiful, like Lisa is.  If she had creamy pale skin and ebony colored hair, like Lisa.  I wonder if her heart had been broken by a lover.  Was it a Romeo & Juliet type story, or just a puppy love romance gone wrong.  I wonder if she was young, a teenager?  Does she also look at the date and think about the child she never knew?  Has she since grown up and gotten married?  Had more children?  Will I ever know the truth? 

Who held Lisa as a baby, gave her bottles, then fed her mush, like we saw so many of the other babies in the orphanage?  Did she cry a lot?  Did she stop crying, giving up when the caregivers were too busy with 10 other babies to tend to her right away?  Did she have a special caregiver that she bonded with as she grew?  When did she first go outside?  See a bird, hear a dog bark?  When did she take her first steps?

All these things I mourn in my heart.  I mourn for all the answers that I do not have for Lisa.  Things that she will wonder about as she grows older.  I grew up with the stories of my babyhood that my parents and my sister passed along to me.  Lisa will have none of that.  I grieve that Lisa will always have that hole in her self, a hole that I'm not able to fill for her.  I will simply try and do the best I can to raise her to be self-assured and happy, and able to fulfill all her dreams for the future.

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